No Apologies

Have you ever been thought of as queer? I always have unorthodox approach to almost everything imaginable from doing certain things to and how I perceive the world around us. So most of the times, people tend to look at me as somewhat “difficult”, perplexing, remarkable or sometimes cruel – a looney, or something on the borderline.

Here I go again, said a college friend of mine. She just got hold of my number and was nice enough to ring me and updated me with what’s what and who’s who. “Can’t you just let go, for the sake of your sanity”, she said. We’re not reviewing for a test anymore. Though, it would be nice to waddle in a pool at night, sipping tequila (mine was ice tea) and discussing “bridges of Madison country. Sigh... those were the days…So, what have I been up to lately?

It’s been 16 years since we last saw each other. I have always been a plump, proper and always politically correct being a by-product of 15 years of catholic education. She, well- she is, who might others call a fun, living on the edge, life of the party, and ‘just because I’m convent bred I ain’t got no right to bitch’ type of person and I, simply put - a misery chick. We are like two opposing poles but somehow we meet in the middle. Well, well... she mused, told you so, referring to my spunky replies and tones. So what happened to your halo and naiveté? Human nature takes it course, I chuckled. Hehehe…So, she said, did you married the be-spectacled guy, have you taken that environmental engineering course , whatever happened to your scholarships…, where are you now in your career…litanies.. Litanies… Whaaaaaaat ????? You surprised me girl, I told you if you go with them nuns… they fill your head with thoughts that stifles your competitive edge.

Two hours had passed, and I learned more about my dear friend, experience had made her rich in some form or another – a string of bfs, marriage, a couple of affairs, a career, money a Cosmo chick would die for, sassy dispositions… everything you would thought of us “nice – to haves”. It is sooo “sex in the city”. Guess what … something is still missing … ‘guilt’… ‘what might have beens’..? and ‘what could have beens’…the same pubescent angst that bond us way back then…I don’t know, she couldn’t quite figure that out yet… and she felt so sorry. As for me, I have let it go… For someone who once was unapologetic… that really is sad…

Used to cry out when I did my best and things don’t turn the way I wanted it to be.
Loathe it when someone made remarks on how I do things and people always telling me how neat they are, how great they are or why I cant be like her or something to that effect –…Some have unintelligent remarks like how unprepossessing you look these days... like you used to be size 4 now your what – 8?, 12?…welcome to the real world pal, where things are not what it used to be. Be my guess, I don’t give a fart … if you want to live your life on somebody else’s expectation... go ahead, but not me… I am not going to feel sorry bec. I am not what you think I am. It’s tough enough to be yourself… why be somebody else…Get Real! Get a Life!

I am a complete paradox. Understanding me does not require an above average IQ. No single formula or amount of experimentation would define my existential being. Don’t we all feel that way? Why are we often seeking to conform to standards when we very well know that we all are unique. All the same but different in a way.